Happy Birthday Mama!

Today was my mother's birthday. Our tradition since she passed away has been to all gather at one of her favorite restaurants and eat together in her honor. We have always chosen O'Charley's, since she and my dad had many a meal there, especially when they used to babysit Olivia. And so it was today. Me, Jay, Liv, Alex, Mary, my Dad, Fred, Renee, Hannah and Kayla - the 10 of us.

The food really wasn't that good and so we have decided to choose another of her favorites for next year - maybe Outback or Red Lobster. But it was still good to continue the tradition.

I much prefer to "celebrate" or acknowledge Mom's birthday rather than the date she passed. That date has so many sad and painful memories associated with it that it is best to keep it under lock and key until there is a time when I feel I can reminisce and wade through the raw emotions by myself. It seems like there was so much of the bad there at the end. It's ironic how it absolutely feels like all this has only ever happened to you and you are certain that there isn't another person in the world who can relate. There was nothing special about my loss. Except that it was mine. And it turned my world upside down for a long time.

I think about her every single day. I miss her smile, her laugh, her touch. I miss how she unconditionally loved my kids and would show that love every time she saw them. I miss the phone chats we had everyday. I miss going to the Nenas with her. I miss shopping with her. I miss the connection that I had with her. No matter how hard we try, there will always be a piece of the puzzle missing in our lives. The presence of her absence is sometimes too much. I miss her asking me what I cooked for Jay. I miss her helping me plan birthday parties. I miss her baking and decorating cakes for us. I miss her watching the Food Channel (maybe that's why I watch it all the time now!). I miss hearing her music. Whenever I hear the distinct sounds of Andean music, she is there. Whenever I see certain clothes in my closet that she bought me, she is there. Whenever I see the spoon in my kitchen, she is there. **Jay - I bet you didn't even know about the spoon, did you? Sometime, somehow, she must have brought a spoon over to our old house, or maybe I took it home by mistake. I don't know. But I still have it. It is with the rest of our spoons - its pattern is distinctly different from ours. It will randomly come up to be used and each time it does...she is there.** I am thankful for these memories, they always bring a smile to my face. I am thankful for her rest now because I know that her suffering was not God's will. I know that in the worst moment of her suffering, and later of my own, there was a choice to make and I am thankful that I made the right one. It was in the darkest of those days that I know, somehow, I was sustained. In the midst of the tearful nights, I knew that joy would come in the morning - and it always did. And when there were absolutely no words to describe the sadness, I knew that He would eventually put a new song in my mouth.

So, on this special day...Happy Birthday Mama! Thank you for the joy your memories bring to me. And if there are tears too, well, there wouldn't be tears if there hadn't been so much love. Like Olivia always says, I love you all the way to God!